Dermot's Doings

Dermot's Book of Farts - The Trumpet Voluntary

Does what it says on the tin. A great fart for comedy effect. There are two main times where this is the appropriate fart for the occasion. Firstly it is one of many farts which work well when owners have visitors (again - the less well they know the visitors the better). Best timed to occur during a pause in the conversation. The second time when this fart works well is if owners are tired and have just settled down on the sofa to read a book or watch a video or something - the annoyance caused by a fart can be amplified by prewarning of what is about to reach them.

Have only just managed to get access to a computer again - so much has been happening! I am currently at horrible owner's owners' house - which would be great apart from cousin Barnaby. But I'm getting ahead of myself - I will start at the beginning.

Spent all day Thursday working on my book of farts - completely lost track of the time. Discovered that cousin Casper's basket is an excellent place to lie to think (kept dozing off though - it's got much more comfortable). On Friday nice owner was around too but I knew something was afoot because they started putting things in bags in the hall. I always know when this happens that either they're going to drag me off for a long uncomfortable car journey - or they're going to desert me - neither of which are good options and so I mope around.

Before I'd had a chance to do much moping horrible owner kicked me bodily out of cousin Casper's basket and took it away! Then was completely distracted wondering about what this could mean about cousin Casper's whereabouts and whether she'd bring it back for me to lie in again.

She did come back without the basket but didn't smell of cousin Casper. I fear she may have taken it to Oxfam. All the pieces of the cousin Casper jigsaw are starting to come together - just a few more pieces of evidence and I think I'll have the whole picture.

Soon after horrible owner came back, horrible owner's female owner came - she didn't stay though - she flew in and grabbed me - chucked me into the back of her car and drove off with a screech of brakes. I can't decide whether my owner's condoned this behaviour or whether it was a kidnap.

I like it here very much and don't really mind whether it was a kidnap or not. Horrible owner's owners gives me loads of tidbits as well as loads of food, and they leave the door open so I can sit in the garden. BUT I do have to endure cousin Barnaby.

I think I will save telling you about cousin Barnaby for another day - I've sneaked in here to use the computer and I'm worried they might notice. And there's so much going on I can hardly think straight. Must go.

Was expecting to be on my own today but horrible owner and The Toy are here - I wonder if this has anything to do with the disappearance of cousin Casper. The Toy smells fruitier than usual - but I did manage to get it to throw three breadsticks at me while it was on its stand.

Am working on a new anti-Toy ear grabbing setting tactic today, as well as the next chapter of my book of farts.

Horrible owner's female owner came to visit (no crisps) - she smelt of cousin Casper! So he's still alive and can't be that far from here. I don't think he's with cousin Barnaby though. She didn't take his basket away with her - it's still here. Have tried lying in it a few times - it's very different from my cushion and not quite so relaxing - but I could get used to it.

Ate lots of bits of giant guineapigsweets.

Ear grabbing setting back with avengence - I need a new tactic.

Nice owner here today and he just gave me a potato salad pot and a yoghurt pot to lick out. The Toy tried to steal the yoghurt pot but nice owner stopped it! Maybe they're getting bored of The Toy and will pack it away in the attic for good soon.

Almost got two pieces of bread this morning. Nice owner was having them for breakfast and put them down in the living room within easy reach of my nose - and then left the room! I am very fair in these circumstances and what I do is count slowly to ten. If they haven't come back in that time they obviously don't want it so I eat it for them. Rather irritatingly they normally come back when I'm on five or six - but today I got to nine! Just one more and the bread would have been mine - but no - he came back and then ate it all himself - not even a morsel for me.

The owners have found a new setting on The Toy - it's the hindlegs setting - The Toy pulls itself up onto its hindlegs. It seems like quite a good setting to me - having pulled itself up it just looks pleased with itself and doesn't go anywhere. A very good distraction from the ear grabbing setting.

Cousin Casper's basket is still here but there is still no sign nor smell of cousin Casper himself. Nice owner didn't come back yesterday until after horrible owner had gone to bed (without letting me out in the garden I might add - good job nice owner came back and let me out) - can't work out how this fits into the story.

Finally decided to go for the piece of lettuce. It tasted green and soggy.

More strange things have happened. Was having recurring dream about man with a bag and woke to find that someone WAS pushing pieces of paper through a small hole in the door. Growled a bit (because I thought I should) and went over to have a sniff but pieces of paper didn't smell of cousin Casper. Am trying to work out what it can all mean.

Had another sniff at the piece of lettuce - still thinking about it.

Horrible owner is showing signs of cracking. She forgot to switch The Toy off last night before putting it in its storage box - and in the middle of the night it suddenly switched in to noise making setting and then they couldn't switch it off. Am not sure yet how this relates to the disappearance of cousin Casper but I'm collecting all shreds of evidence - everything is interlinked.

Both owners and The Toy are out today (I am glad they take The Toy with them when they go out and don't leave it here with me). I have run of the downstairs again. Have been lying in different places on the living room rug just because I can. Have also been rootling round the kitchen without having to compete with cousin Casper. Found two pieces of bread, half a rice cake, and a piece of lettuce. Have eaten the pieces of bread and the rice cake, and am thinking about the lettuce.

Still no sign of cousin Casper. Nice owner came back eventually and played with The Toy but didn't bring cousin Casper with him - he didn't smell of him either so I don't think he's seen him. He seemed quite suprised that cousin Casper wasn't still here - horrible owner brushed him off with some excuse but I'm sure she was lying. She hasn't done anything very strange but I will keep watching her for clues. Don't worry cousin Casper - I'll rescue you!

Haven't been able to concentrate on my book of farts for worrying about cousin Casper.

Cousin Casper has gone!

Horrible owner left with The Toy and cousin Casper earlier on (nice owner isn't here today - I miss him) - they didn't take his basket so I was disgruntled because I thought they were taking him for a walk without me.

After a couple of hours horrible owner and The Toy came back - but no sign of cousin Casper. What have they done with him?? His basket is still here so he can't have gone home (besides his owners don't want him now they've got their Toy). Poor him tonight with no basket - I can't think of anything worse. (Although having said that cousin Casper sometimes CHOOSES to lie on the flagstones instead of in his basket - I never understand why!)

Will be watching horrible owner carefully for clues as to what she has done. Someone has to look out for cousin Casper now that he's effectively an orphan.

I think that cousin Casper's owners have got their Toy instead of him! He is finally starting to show signs that he might accept the possibility that they've got a Toy. While I think it's quite funny that his owners have swapped him for a Toy - I am a bit worried that that means he may be here permanently.

Disadvantages of having cousin Casper here:
1. I have to share my food
2. We keep getting locked in the hall at times when I would have been allowed to potter round and sunbathe
3. He competes for love and attention (and normally wins)
4. He has completely taken over the Toy on its stand game - I can't even be bothered to join in anymore
5. He wants to eat my guineapigsweet providers
6. He paces up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down

Advantages of having cousin Casper here:
1. Fun on walks - I can run at him and bark and owners don't tell me off
2. He sticks to his own bed - unlike cousin Barnaby who tries to share mine with me
3. And unlike cousin Barnaby - cousin Casper doesn't bite my elbows
4. I can laugh at him about his owners swapping him for a Toy
5. Team farting
6. Team farting

Cousin Casper has stayed away from the guineapigs today - I think more through owner diligence than through dog self control. Owners and The Toy have been out twice today and left me and cousin Casper on our own both times. They came back the second time smelling of cousin Barnaby - this means they've been to see horrible owner's owners ... I wish they'd taken me with them (and left cousin Casper here).

Despite being angry and upset with cousin Casper, I am forced to remark that we have been achieving some impressive team farts. We have managed to alter the atmosphere in the hall to an almost permanently enchanced level.

Guineapigs star in freedom adventure!

What a drama last night! It all started in the afternoon when cousin Casper kept jumping over into the restricted access part of the garden (how does he do that? It's like he's flying but I can't see any wings) and terrorising the guineapigs - MY guineapigsweet providers - bless their little souls. I couldn't believe what I was seeing - he managed to rip some of the roof of their run and chew through one of the handles on the run. (I must note that during all this the guineapigs seemed to produce even more sweets than usual!). Every now and then one owner noticed and made him come back into the main bit of the garden - but he soon jumped over again! My heart was in my mouth. AND THEN I noticed that he had moved the run so it was hanging off the edge of the grass so there was a big GAP where the guineapigs could get out. I tried and tried to tell nice owner and I even tried to tell horrible owner but they completely ignored me.

Horrible owner's owners arrived later (no crisps again) and then they all went out with The Toy and locked me and cousin Casper inside. I couldn't sleep for worry about the guineapigs - how could my owners be so lapse? After what seemed like a decade they all came back again and I heard them outside. They obviously noticed guineapigs running round the lawn (OUTSIDE their run) and then realised what cousin Casper had done. Being owners rather than dogs or cats or snowy owls they made loads of fuss and took ages catching the guineapigs and putting them back in their run. But I was everso relieved to realise that both of them were OK and are now back safe and sound.

I am angry and upset with cousin Casper - not only did he almost lead to the demise of my dear guineapigsweet providers - but now we keep getting locked inside when the happy sun is shining and calling me to lie in the garden! He doesn't seem to show any remorse. All he's said is he'll get them next time. And my owners aren't helping. Rather than throwing him out on his ear, they are being just as nice to him and giving him love and attention and dropping bits of food for him and letting him join in with The Toy on its stand game.

But he'll get his comeupance - his owners have got a Toy now - ha ha ha! (He still won't believe it but he'll see!)

Ode to Noobaa

I have seen no sight nor sound of her of late,
She was horrible owner's younger littermate.
She was always my favourite because she gave me treats,
Things that tasted even better than guineapigsweets.

I loved her because when she came to visit
She never left again without giving me a tidbit.
I didn't even have to beg and say please
For her to give me a piece of cheese.

She'd cuddle me and let me sit on the settee,
Even though she knew it was really naughty.
She'd feed me biscuits and crisps and pieces of bread,
But sadly now I believe she must be dead.

Dermot's Book of Farts - The Atmosphere Altering Fart (working title - please email me dermot@somepoint.net with better suggestions)

Doesn't work outside but can work in a surprisingly large room inside. Needs persistence and time to work up a true atmosphere. Need somewhere comfy to lie, and need to concentrate - so often appear to be very still or even asleep. Doesn't matter if owner is in the room or not (although the effects can be dramatic if they're not and then they walk in!). Many small farts work better than a few big farts. This fart needs perseverance and works really well as a team fart - I was just practising it today because cousin Casper is still here, and he was willing to join in.

I am feeling melancholy today and thinking about horrible owner's younger littermate (known as noobaa) who disappeared without trace over four months ago. She's never left me for that long before. I think she must have died. She was my favourite - even nicer than nice owner. Am thinking about composing an 'Ode to Noobaa' in her memory. Cousin Casper doesn't understand these things.

Cousin Casper has caught on to the Toy on Stand game. Started off OK this morning - they gave bread to The Toy. I was getting the odd bit but then cousin Casper realised what was going on! Took all the fun out of it. I even resorted to cheating and trying to eat some of the bread still attached to The Toy. Horrible owner noticed and I got told off which gave cousin Casper even MORE chance of getting bits of bread. Final score ... Dermot 7 bits of bread : Casper 9 bits of bread. Woe is me. I hope he goes home soon!

Cousin Casper is still here - he is very restless and keeps pacing up and down up and down up and down. It's tiring watching him! Owners had more hot food outside but they shut us both away while they were eating - humph! I blame cousin Casper - it's because he keeps terrorising the guineapigs. Managed to rootle around for dropped bits when we were let out - they had been less inept than usual I think (unless the toads had got there first).

Have been compiling a list of things people say repeatedly to The Toy ...

Nice owner: "Is that what you think?"
Horrible owner's male owner: "What do you think of it so far then?"
Horrible owner's male owner's female owner: "What a treasure!"
Horrible owner's older littermate: "Hello smiler" or "Hello stinker" (wonder if she'll say the same to her new Toy?)

Dermot's Book of Farts - The Dart and Fart

Especially good for getting your own back when you've been offended by someone. Particularly satisfying as you don't have to suffer the consequences yourself. Normally involves starting in a different room to the target - then darting in, delivering the goods and darting out again. Best if you can be out again before they realise what's hit them. Sometimes works well with a nonchalant wander instead of a dart. Timing is critical.

Owners keep saying that cousin Casper's owners have got a Toy now. Cousin Casper still doesn't believe it. I do.

Haven't told cousin Casper about the Toy on its stand game. This morning I got to eat ALL the food The Toy dropped while cousin Casper was too busy pacing up and down - ha ha! Wonder if his owners' Toy will come with this setting.

Horrible owner and The Toy have gone out and nice owner took me and cousin Casper for a good walk. Sometimes it's nice having company on walks, but now I want to go to sleep and he wants to find a way over the fence to get to the guineapigs. Am torn between sleeping and keeping an eye on him. Might just lie down on my cushion and think about what I should do.

Am thinking about renaming the "Nice to Meet You Fart" the "Meet and Greet Fart".

Cousin Casper is here! Nice owner disappeared off for a while and then came back with him. Odd - normally you only see cousin Casper with horrible owner's older littermate (the beachball shaped one). Have asked him if it's true - if his owners are getting a Toy. He says it's all nonsense and of course they're not. He doesn't know where they've gone though. I think they've gone to the Toy shop and he just won't believe it. He says people don't go to Toy shops in the middle of the night and even if they do get a Toy he's not worried - but he just doesn't know what it's like!

When cousin Casper arrived horrible owner, instead of welcoming him in and giving him a meaty chunk (which any nice person would have done) locked him out in the garden and pushed me out with him too. Fair enough for a while but she wouldn't let us in for about 20 minutes! She kept opening the door as if to let us in but then shut it again. I sat by the door hoping to get in anyway. Cousin Casper didn't seem to mind. He was watching the guineapigs. He told me he'd like to eat them!! I said if you ate them there wouldn't be any more guineapigsweets. He said he'd eat them anyway if he had the chance - just another example of his decadance. Must make sure he doesn't get a chance to eat them - these are my guineapigsweet providers we're talking about!

Don't mind cousin Casper staying the night but I am a bit worried about the morning. Do you think I'll get all my own food or will I have to share? Will try not to worry too much about it - need to get a good night's sleep if he's going to be here all day tomorrow keeping me awake.

The sun has gone again which is sad. Good walk with nice owner this morning. Both owners here today plus The Toy - they're all off upstairs at the moment. Yesterday horrible owner gave me a piece of toast PLUS a piece of pasta PLUS some treacle tart crumbs! But she's still horrible. Had another dream about the man with the bag.

Dermot's Book of Farts - The Nice to Meet You Fart

A bit of an opportunistic fart - often executed by accident. Typically happens if you've been asleep and someone comes to the door. In the excitement of greeting them a fart is often forthcoming and owner's are powerless to do anything about it. You know it's worked well if they say "Hello - sorry - the dog's just done a really smelly fart".

Am working on my book of farts.

Just found a piece of bread I'd overlooked before under The Toy's stand. Nice owner has been upstairs too long - want him to come and sit in the garden with me so I can sunbathe.

Excellent. Horrible owner and The Toy have gone. Just nice owner and me here today. He took me for a proper walk. Only one concern - he seems to have caught on to the fact I don't need to respond to "Dermot" any more and he's started shouting "OI" when he wants me to come to him instead. Will hold off as long as I can pleading ignorance.

Now he's gone off upstairs and I can't get upstairs to sit with him (I can't seem to find a way round the gate at the bottom of the stairs - must ask owners to remove it so I can be with them more). I expect he'll come down lots "for a coffee" - will make sure I stand in his way when he does so I get attention.

Horrible owner walked me! Good - nice to get a walk. Bad - wondering where nice owner is and why he hasn't come back to walk me. Lots of giant guineapigs up on the common (this is the place we seem to go for walks these days). And lots and lots of giant guineapigsweets. Was tucking into a particularly good one but got told off. I don't understand what the problem was - it's not as though it would have spoilt my tea - I DON'T GET TEA!

Last time cousin Casper was here he ROLLED in a giant guineapigsweet! He is so decadent that dog - I prefer to save them for eating.

Must ask for cushion in the garden.

Have failed to get double food. Couldn't be bothered to stand and stare enough - the happy sun was calling me!

Nice owner left in the middle of the night. I hope he's not gone for good - I'd have to run away (what with horrible owner AND The Toy!). Normally when he leaves in the middle of the night he comes back very late as well. Sometimes he's been away for days on end - very trying times for a whoppet.

I have been being brave and lying outside in the sun all by myself. I don't like being outside by myself, but the hot sunny sun was just too delicious to miss out on.

No more toads tried to break in and make use of the audiovisual equipment last night (not that I noticed anyway, although I may have dozed off on a few occassions).

Wonder if I can trick horrible owner into thinking that nice owner didn't feed me before he left. Next time I see her I will stand and stare and see where we get.

I got my walk eventually - when it was almost going dark.

Major drama. Owners were eating outside (with one of those hot things they put the food on - they don't realise what torture it is having all that food at low level and not letting me eat any of it. Fortunately horrible owner was being inept and kept dropping bits which she let me eat!). Anway - as I was saying, owners were outside and I was keeping guard in the house when a TOAD hopped in through the front door as bold as brass! I tried to shimmy it out but it was a toad with a mission so I had to call in help from owners. Useless owners were just sitting there yakking about shrubs and strimmers (they talk about THE most boring things!) I had to run in and out, jump up and down, jangle, growl and I even resorted to a woof! FINALLY nice owner comes in and notices the toad (as if I hadn't been trying to tell them) which by now had almost got to the living room and was reaching for the remote control (I think it wanted to listen to Simon and Garfunkle). Horrible owner managed to make it crawl into a cardboard box and plopped it back into the garden (WHERE IT BELONGS!). Drama over! Need to keep an eye out for more maurauding toads - my work load seems to have increased since we came here.

NO WALK TODAY so far! If they keep this up I'm going to have to email the RSPCA. Have been eating grass to punish them.

New game. Owner (either) playing with The Toy on the floor. I lie on the other side of the room and entice The Toy over by waggling my ears at it. Just before The Toy gets to ear grabbing range I slowly get up, walk over to owner and lie down in front of them. Ha ha! Toy stranded on other side of room and me getting all the love and attention.

I am still perplexed by the holiday or home conundrum. Is this just an extended holiday, or are we staying here permanently? I've never known them take this many of our things away on holiday with them. I'm not sure which I would prefer ...

Advantages of this being a holiday:
1. Change is always unsettling and it's good to go back home.
2. My ears didn't get pulled so much in old home.
3. Always lots of bread to eat on ground on walks.
4. Lots of little squeaky dogs to pounce on (most of the ones here are a bit less squeaky!)

Advantages of this being new home:
1. More carpets!
2. Am allowed to poo in the garden (I think - although I'm not quite clear on the rules yet - for the time being am working on as long as they're not watching it's OK).
3. New game with Toy on its stand.
4. Giant guineapigs on walks which leave GIANT guineapigsweets for me to eat!

One more positive aspect of The Toy. Owners (for some reason) insist on telling it that I am "Dermot" on an almost 10 minutely basis. (If it hasn't worked out that I am Dermot by now then it's never going to!) I am perfectly aware of the fact that the use of my name in these contexts doesn't require anything of me - unlike the use of my name, say, in a field when I'm off the lead and a small squeaky dog comes along ripe for the pouncing, when the killjoys shout my name and expect me to return to them rather than pouncing. However - owners for some reason think that I am not capable of making this distinction and that I am becoming less responsive to my name. I will encourage this thought process as it may lead to the right to pounce with impunity! Am working on a gradual decline of responsiveness to my name.

My brain is a little fuggy as it is very sunny and I have been lying in it soaking it up. Quick snack of guineapigsweets - although the excitement of unlimited guineapigsweets was short lived - they've moved the run back into the limited access part of the garden (I think they were worried about The Toy eating guineapigsweets - too right - they're MINE!). Now I have to try and sneak through the gate while it's open and scoff as fast as I can until they notice. Also slightly concerned about them NOT noticing and shutting me in the limited access part of the garden.

Owners of horrible owner came for lunch. I like them but they didn't feed me any crisps - humph! Lots of talk about horrible owner's beachball shaped littermate getting a Toy of their own - madness - you'd have thought they'd have better things to do with their time and money!

Recurring dream about man with bag pushing small pieces of paper through hole in door.

Nice owner is playing with the noise making toy - he lets it run all over the carpet (makes it smell less good) - I hate it - why does he have to play with it while I'm around?

Today I have been allowed to lick out:
3 yohurt pots (THREE - plus a previously licked pot which I managed to find in the bin - there's always a bit more in there!)
1 butter tub
1 mixed olive humous tub
Lucky old me!

Cushion reinstated to hall - but now concerned that theory about The Toy's lack of traction on flagstones may be misguided. Toy has been proving multi-terrain abilities on grass and paving stones. Also disgruntled about the fact there is only one cushion (and they somehow removed the layers of aroma I spent ages building up) - I prefer two. (Three's nice but by four it's getting too precarious and I can't sleep very well!)

The Toy does have one very useful setting. I think it's one of the free games it came with (better than snakes). It goes like this:

1. Owners put Toy on its stand.

2. Owners get food and try to feed it into small hole in top front of Toy.

3. Depending on the difficulty level selected Toy waves head around, pushes food out again, tries to grab spoon, tries to grab food, grabs food and then tries to grab owners, tries to jump off stand etc.

4. I'm not quite clear on this rule yet, but I think I'm allowed to eat any food that isn't still attached to The Toy. Am definitly allowed food on floor - but the food on the stand that's not attached to The Toy is a bit of a grey area. Am not allowed food still attached to Toy (how was I supposed to know! I wish they'd tell me the rules first rather than making me work them out by trial and error!).

5. After a while owners get bored of game and then wipe remaining food off Toy (what a waste - I could lick it off!).

Anyway - I'm not complaining - it's one of the best settings. Much better than the ear grabbing setting (good job I'm a Whoppet - imagine being an English Setter with the ear grabbing setting!).

They are both here today - musn't relax too much! Good news is that they've moved the guineapig run into the part of the garden I can get into. This means I can eat the guineapigsweets when they move the run - YUM! My concern about "The Toy" is growing. While the noise has diminished (good thing) its mobility has increased. It can now make its way across the living room to my cushion and then grab my ears!! I am torn between two courses of action - (a) stay as still as possible and hope that its motion sensors don't detect me, or (b) walk away slowly and dignifiedly. Neither course of action is ideal. Must ask (nice) owner for relocation of cushion to hall. I am sure The Toy's traction system is less efficient on flagstones than on carpet.

I have been asked to mention jimandnataliedownunder, noobaablog, and "JimBlog"

Disappointment - horrible owner came home first. But she DID take me for a walk so it wasn't that bad. (Shame she kept me on a lead though - there was a small white bull terrier which would have made excellent squeaking noises if I'd pounced on it - will try another time!). Nice owner came home later and I punished him for wilful neglect by standing in front of the TV while he was trying to watch 'Life in the Freezer'.

Hmmm - must have slept longer than I intended. Dreamt that man with bag pushed small pieces of paper through hole in door. Feeling a bit peckish so rootled round kitchen looking for bits of food I may have missed before - found one piece of sweetcorn (not enough!). I think there is a big lump of bread on the cooker. Somehow can't bring myself to jump up and get it. Starting to feel a bit lonely. Might even wag my tail if horrible owner comes home first. Hope that nice owner comes home first though - he might take me for a walk.

Nice owner who normally walks me away today. Horrible owner didn't walk me - just shoved me out into the garden. Pooed in four different places to get my own back. At least horrible owner fed me but I had to stand and stare at her for ages until she did. Staring is a very powerful weapon. All owners out now - not expecting them back until late this afternoon. Trying to think of things to do to annoy them, but feeling very sleepy and might just have a short nap instead.