Dermot's Doings

Something really really really really REALLY exciting happened today!

Owners had one of those cooking outside on a low table things. When they'd finished there was still lots left - bread and sausages and the like. They left it to one side, and by sneaking up to it everso everso slowly and gently gently gently putting my mouth round a bread roll and then suddenly running away madly and scoffing it in the corner of the garden I managed to eat 3 sausages, 2.5 bread rolls and half a spicy bean burger!! How cool is that?? And I don't think anyone noticed me eating any of it.

Horrible owner's younger littermate was there with moomoo, plus horrible owner's owners.

Went for a walk yesterday (should go for a walk everyday but it doesn't always happen. In fact should go for TWO walks everyday ... owners are too ready with excuses such as "it's raining", "we're tired", "it's uphill to the common", "I can't be bothered", "there's a shoe in the way of the door and I can't be bothered to move it" etc. etc.). Anyway - I was talking about the walk. Was pottering along like a good dog near owners and went to take a bite out of a particularly yummy smelling giant guineapigsweet and jumped a mile when horrible owner shouted at me just before I closed my mouth. Thought I'd teach her a lesson and ran out of shouting distance and ate LOTS of bits of giant guineapigsweet. Felt peaky for the rest of the day.

Today owners put me in the car and we ended up at cousin Barnaby's house. Can you believe it - he LIKES The Toy! He says it's funny and he likes licking its feet and he likes it when The Toy laughs at him and tries to grab his ears. I do wonder about cousin Barnaby sometimes.

Two cushions in the hall! Another one has appeared!

BUT - they are side by side and not on top of each other. I have been trying and trying to put one on top of the other but all I succeed in doing is to move them both around the hall. At one point I tried to lie across both of them but they slid apart and I ended up lying on the hard floor between them - a most distressing experience!

Have decided the best plan is to keep moving them so that they are in the way of owners walking around - then they might move them and in the process put one on top of the other.

Owners are like buses.

All day yesterday I was left on my own desperate for a wee and no owner around to take me for a walk. Today - both owners here and I don't need a wee.

Owners have been acting very strangely - they have been daubing blobs of coloured water onto bits of paper and making a great song and dance about it and collapsing with exhaustion afterwards. What is so difficult about making paper soggy and slightly darker than it was before?

For lunch they gave The Toy lumps of food (cheese and carrots and baby sweetcorn) - I like this new way of feeding The Toy. I think I must have got about 80% of it. The Toy got about 15% and the other 5% seemed to end up stuck to things that I wasn't allowed to lick.

I think cousin Casper's reincarnation was a dream - haven't seen him since the day he reappeared - I must have eaten something funny and imagined it all.

Explain this to me. For some reason, when my owners are very very busy they won't let me blog! Why won't they? I think that maybe they want to make life difficult for me because they're having a stressful time. Anyway - a new computer has appeared in the house and so even though both owners are out today I have managed to log on without telling them.

Rather than trying to fill you in on everything that has happened in the last week I will tell you about everything that has happened today.

Nice owner took me for morning walk. It was a medium walk (better than the other day when it rained so hard I couldn't see and I couldn't concentrate to poo and had to hold on for the rest of the day), but not as good as when I get to pounce on squeaky dogs. Talking about squeaky dogs, there is a new puppy in the area - a yellow one, I think it's called Folly. I was overjoyed as I thought I could pounce and squeak to my hearts content - but it turns out that Folly DOESN'T SQUEAK! Not only this but Folly tries to bite my knees - it's like having Barnaby around but more yellow and not quite as fast.

Nice owner forgot to feed me when we got in. Had to stare at him for ages and ages - he was too busy watching The Toy sit in its toy box and throw all its toys out (what's so amazing about this? I'd like to see The Toy chew up one of its toys and pull the stuffing out - that would be more impressive).

Then both owners and The Toy left. I tried to sleep but there was a fly in the hall and I just HAD to keep trying to catch it. Got hit on the head when man with bag pushed small pieces of paper through a hole in the door.

Rootled around but didn't find anything even competing with my bread roll triumph of yesterday (and I DID count all the way up to 10 whatever horrible owner might tell you).

That's been pretty much it for today!

More Book of Farts soon.

It has been pointed out to me that today isn't hot and so I should be blogging. Horrible owner's computer hasn't been around all week - I am having to transmit this blog via telepathy to the nearest wireless network.

I have been suffering not only from overheating but from my festering dog bite wound. Nice owner took me to a man who looked at it and made sympathetic noises but didn't actually DO anything about it!

Despite these hardships I have managed to do some work on my book of farts.

Dermot's Book of Farts - The Utility Fart

This is an essential fart for any fart repetoire, and one of the most communicative. The aim is to convey to owners that you need to go outside and you need to go outside now - or they will have to suffer the consequences. It can need persistance to meet its aim but it almost always works in the end. There is one major exception to this - it doesn't work if all owners are out, and your energy might be better spent in other ways.

Have discovered that the dog that bit me is called Cat.

I am too hot to blog - my brain has fried.

No more blogging until the weather is cooler!

I have been bitten!! My mistake - I thought the dog looked squeaky and needed pouncing on so I POUNCED and was shocked to find him turn round, swear at me (in Welsh) and take a HUGE bite out of my side which is at least THREE millimeters across and has bled so much that it has made a faint smudge on my cushion.

I think I might be dying - what if he had rabies? My owners seem completely unsympathetic - I have decided that they are both horrible, even nice owner. I at least deserve extra food rations.

I will blog again soon if I am still alive.

What a strange week it's been. It has all felt very unreal after cousin Casper appeared - it still hasn't quite sunk in. He just turned up with his female owner and his owners' Toy (which is smaller quieter and less mobile than my owners' Toy - I am trying to persuade them to swap). I almost fell over with shock when he came in through the door (well I would have fallen over if I hadn't been lying on my cushion in the first place - quite lucky that really).

He says that when horrible owner left the house with him she just drove straight to his owners' house stayed for a bit and then left him there. He says he hardly noticed not having his basket - he often prefers lying on the floor anyway - but his basket turned up (with horrible owner's male owner of all the random people) a few days later - neither of us can really work out what all that was about.

I can't believe I've been through all this torment and worry for nothing. Cousin Casper thinks it's hilarious - he would.

I have been thrown all out of kilter but I am now determined to get back to normal and be a more diligent blogger. I am going to put extra effort in to my book of farts as well. I am not sure what to do with my half completed obituary for cousin Casper. I am in half a mind to finish it anyway.

HE'S ALIVE!!!!!

I've seen him and talked to him and sniffed his bottom. Cousin Casper is alive and well and living in Chalford Hill.

I am still recovering from the shock. Does anyone know of a good dog psychologist (that's a good 'dog psychologist' rather than a psychologist for good dogs)?

It's been a busy weekend and haven't had a chance to blog. Found that I had to sleep all day Saturday - it happens to me sometimes - I just HAVE to sleep! Owners' friend "Caroline" came to stay - we went for a longer walk than usual. We always go for a longer walk when people come to stay - I think owners' are trying to pretend that it's normal so they don't get reported to RSPCA. I overdosed on giant guineapigsweets and a big lump congealed in the top of my mouth. Very distressing - horrible owner had to rescue me (I ate it anyway afterwards - waste not want not).

Nice owner's owners came on Sunday. Went for another long walk - to the icecream shop - but couldn't persuade them to give me any icecream. Nice owner's owners used to be really lovely to me and gave me food and love and attention, but now they just play with The Toy all the time. Must find a way of getting The Toy out of the way next time they come.

Am working on obituary for cousin Casper. Wondering if I could persuade nice owner to go and buy his basket back from Oxfam - it was very comfy.

My final report on the tragic case of cousin Casper

On the morning of Monday the twenty third of June in the year two thousand and three AD the black and tan and hairy cross-bred dog known as Casper (cousin to Dermot, Barnaby and Kipper) was at the house known as Bryn Mawr in the hamlet of Burleigh in the parish of Minchinhampton nestled deep in the land of Laurie Lee.

Sometime around midday the person known as horrible owner left the house known as Bryn Mawr taking with her the aforementioned black and tan and hairy cross-bred dog known as Casper. It is believed she enticed Casper into the back of her car undoubtedly by conning and lying (she probably told him she was taking him home to his owners), and drove to Gloucester dog-slave market. Here she proceeded to wilfully and callously auction the black and tan and hairy cross-bred dog known as Casper to the highest bidder and then spent the proceeds on whisky, tobacco, and extravagant and unnecessary electronic gadgets.

The heretofore referred to highest bidder has never been traced but it is almost certain that they drove Casper to the ground heartlessly forcing him to perform tasks such as loading the dishwasher, taking the rubbish out, and wiping out the inside of cupboards.

An obituary for the black and tan and hairy cross-bred dog known as Casper will appear in due course. R.I.P.

Dermot's Book of Farts - The Mimic Fart

A highly technical fart which can take years to master. The Mimic Fart is more a collective of many farts rather than one fart. At the ripe old age of five and a half I have mastered "eggs" and "drains". I am still trying to perfect "cabbage" and "bins". My ultimate goal is "old damp trainers" but this is a fart normally achieved only by the black belts of the farting world.

I don't know if my owners think they're being funny - but they keep trying to barricade me away from my cushion in the hall (still only a single cushion I might add). For some reason The Toy needs not one but two transporters and the owners are always parking them in such a way that I can't get to my cushion. And then when I do manage to squeeze my way past and lie down, I feel like I'm in a forest of Toy transporter wheels. On top of all this, sometimes they positively try to run me over with the transporters and aim them at me when I'm lying on my cushion. This makes me leap up and look really miffed.

Have decided to start calling new house "home" - we've been here long enough now and it smells like home! Have been dragged back here from horrible owner's owners' house. Horrible owner came yesterday afternoon and loaded me in the car together with The Toy, 6 tomato plants, 12 bean poles, a summer pudding (not within reach unfortunately) and 8 curtains (also not within reach). Have slept solidly for the last 24 hours without being molested by cousin Barnaby.

Am having real difficulty finding computer time. Horrible owner's owners disapproved of paw prints on the keyboard, horrible owner says her computer is broken and she won't let me use it (I haven't told her about the accident I had), and have had to beg and plead with nice owner to let me use his - but he says he works so hard there's no time for me to use it. Am thinking of starting a 'Buy Dermot a Laptop' charity. Will then also try to persuade owners to get a wireless network so I can use computer on my cushion.